Tips on how to be a pseudo intellectual.

Even if your life history is not a rags to riches story invent a rag or two for the local rag.Hopefully your puns will be better than mine.Whenever you make a pun say I am sorry I couldnt help myself. This will indicate that you are an intellectual even though you dont want to be.Dont make puns too often though its not cool and it will seem as if you trying too hard.
If you are going to say something thats even mildly or even remotly a cliche (I mean everyday cliches not intellectual cliches which you would be using all the time), lift you your hands up in quotation marks and gesticulate wildly.
Pepper your conversation with latin or french phrases such as Carpe diem, ergo propter hoc, mea culpa , enchante and touche.This is just the bare minimum.I am also trying to be a pusedo intelletual so any help in this direction would be welcome.Use French for the opposite gender and Latin for your own.
Never admit that you are reading the classics for the first time.You allways rediscover them.Say you were not much of reader but indicate that you had read the complete works of Shakespeare by the time you were five. You should also express faint dissapproval for anything that is abridged or concise.
Your ancestors were poor but cultured and liberal.Please mention the fact that your grandfather studied under the street lamp. He probably had his own suite which was lit like the Mysore palace, but this does not matter.If you find this too difficult to do atleast talk about how he walked 20 miles each way to school and back.
Dont even by mistake ever say that your favourite pastime as a child was watching television.Your favorite pastime should been your father or mother reading to you in the candlelight.Preferably the Illiad.
If you have watched a movie which is based on a book you should invariably observe that the book was better than the movie.
If you are in the social sciences you must say mathematics is just a language and statistics but a tool.However use a lot of equations in your paper , leave out a lot of the algebra and state that the results are trivial and self explanatory.Even if it takes reams of paper to proove them.
Please express disdain for awards and public approval.Your attitude should be
the journey is more important than the destination, you have an open mind and and you are allways willing to learn.But this shouldnt deter you from letting people know that you got a 100% in the second quarterly class examination in lower kindergarten for counting the dots.