The 'Za'

My name is Padmaja. All my life I longed to be called Padma. I felt the “ja” was completely meaningless and unnecessary. In Hindi ja means to go away, I believed all that all that was good about me disappeared because of the ja. This created a deep sense of insecurity and I suffered from an inferiority complex. It was extremely difficult for me to meet any Padma in the eye.
I struggled to come to terms with my name. It is only now that I have realized that there maybe advantages in being called padmaja.
I never realized my name had a Spanish flavor to it. Many people think it's Mexican and pronounce it as Padmaha, this has helped me blend in with the true Texans better, because everybody knows that Texas was once a part of Mexico.
It also helped me fulfill my parents’ wishes. Not everyday commonplace wishes but deep inner wishes. Wishes they were scared to express for fear of being laughed at. I fulfilled my mothers desire to be a lotus, the name Padmaja in Sanskrit
means the being that originated from a lotus. So my mother is a lotus. My father was fascinated by the Nizams of Hyderabad, he always wanted to be associated with them. Padmaja can also be spelt as Padma Jah just like Mukkaram Jah, Asif Jah or Aristo Jah.
There have always been signs from the divine; I just never had the positive frame of mind to interpret them. In college my friends from Nepal use to call me Podomoza this was later shortened to Za. The Za has a certain Zen like quality to it. It can only be inspired from the divine. This revelation has led to great joy and inner peace.
I had been incredibly selfish in wanting to keep all that was good and sacred within me. Goodness is never destroyed, it is just transformed it becomes a part of the grass, the trees, the mountains, the birds, the animals, the fish, the rocks and the beautiful flowers.